Marching band!

This year is my final year of marching band! That is a positive and negative, I guess. I’ve been in the band for three seasons now and I’ve built a close group of friends. Unfortunately, they are all freshman in high school now, so I’ll be leaving them shortly. And all of my senior friends will be leaving with me yet departing to different places. Luckily for me, I’ll be staying in my hometown and going to the college here (it has an awesome meteorology program) so I’ll be able to meet up with my old friends and visit them at band practice like all the current alumni do. Besides all that, today is our home competition, The Pageant of Champions! Schools from all over central NY will be coming to compete at our school! I’ll also be seeing my friend Felicia from a different city, which is GREAT! And my best friend Rebecca will be there cheering me on! I’m super excited for the event but not the three hour practice beforehand. Yes, we have a three hour practice  before the event. Ugh. Not excited for that. And it’s probably going to rain too. Which means we won’t be able to practice with the band. Me, I’m in the front ensemble, which means I don’t march. I play the xylophone, which I love very much!

So yeah, I have to cut this short because I have a busy schedule to deal with but I will try my best to post more stuff as soon as I can! Time has been tight because of marching band and school. I hope you all are doing well with life and everything! Comment telling me about your marching band experience if you wish to!

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Spock Cosplay Help

Dear followers and readers,

For this Halloween I am planning on being Mr. Spock. I have been searching for costumes, shirts and, such but I cannot find a good quality and moderately made one. A lot of the ones I have looked at vary drastically in reviews on Amazon and other sites, which makes me fear that mine will not fit correctly or look right. So, I am asking for your help! If you know or have purchased a good quality Spock (TOS or reboot Spock, it doesn’t matter) shirt, can you let me know where you got it? I want to get my costume prepared early so I’m sure everything will be perfect, Thank you so very much!!!

PS: If you have other goods (ex: the ears, wig, etc.) that you really liked and would recommend, please let me know! Thanks again! 

I still love her

I know I have talked a lot about Sadie, and I apologize for that. This blog is to get my feelings written down and contemplated, and I have a lot of feelings for Sadie. We’ve been broken up for about 4 months now. Yes, it was me who broke it off and I regret it. The problem with distance is that you only communicate when you are not busy. And we were extremely busy at the time. I was also struggling with depression and suicide, or at least starting to. I guess I felt us getting distant and we were both stressed. But I found myself beginning to feel for get again, even after going on a date with another girl, who in fact lives 10 minutes from me. To be honest, I thought having a close girlfriend would patch the missing part that I currently had. Around April, I confessed to Sadie that I still loved her and I was extremely sorry for what I had did prior. She said she loved me too but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be in a relationship yep. Wow, that conversation feels like it was just yesterday. But as time went on, I began to lose interest in everything really, even this blog as you can tell. I was going through a REALLY tough time. Depression is NOT easy and it sure isn’t fun when no one knows you’re going through it. I started becoming aggressive, distant and, cold towards people that I didn’t want to. I didn’t/don’t mean to but I can’t help it. Anyways, that will be described in another entry, back to this one. Recently, I had posted on my DeviantArt page about my current depression and lack of work. I also apologized to Sadie publicly for seeming disconnected (Sadie and I are still best friends). She then continued to tell me that she loved me so much and just wanted me to be happy (it was longer than that but for reasons of privacy, I will refrain from going in depth). That really brightened me up. We have conversations like that a lot and its really sweet. She makes me so happy and I couldn’t ask for anyone else. I know long distance is hard and I know you can feel emotionally distant for your lover, but you’re really not. I’ve learned that first hand. June 19th would be our one year anniversary if we were together. And even though we are not currently dating, I’m going to do something for her, to show her that I really do love her. I honestly don’t want to go on without her in anyway. I mean, even if we continue to be just friends, that’s better than nothing!

Hello Summer

You’re just around the corner and I have so much planned when I meet you. So much has changed since last year but there are also many things that still remain the same. As you come, I will kiss your cheek and welcome your brightness in but I will admit to missing the school days. It will be okay though; they return quickly, maybe too quickly. Despite all, I’ll still wish for you to be here.

———————-

This summer I plan on a lot of self-education. Reading non-fiction and surfing the web for sources of science and math. But it will not consume me or my time. I still have marching band and hopefully a part-time job. I need employment soon, so I can save up for college, housing, and traveling. Traveling yes! I hope to save enough to ship myself to Florida to watch my darling cross the stage as she graduates High School in two years. But I have two whole years. At one point, that is a distance away but at another, that is like a half of a second on the Earth’s history scale. But my two years will come and pass. And one day I’ll get a one-way ticket there.

This is also my senior season of marching band! My last year; the bittersweet times I will have. Authority over the newcomers yet tears when they call my name on Senior Night. But no matter what, I am looking forward to it! I’ve been excited since March to be honest!

Well, this is all I have for now. I have chemistry work to do I guess. And studying for the ACT. UgggghhhHHH. I’d rather not. Good bye friends! I’ll be back soon!

March 11, 2013: That feeling

Do you recognize that feeling when you have strong feelings for another person? Of course you do. Everyone has experienced it at some point whether it be a mere crush or possibly true love. And what if that crush “likes” you back. Wow, that feeling probably just doubled. And after a long run of dating and thinking they’re the one that feeling gets strong! But, what if that feeling seems to, disappear in a sense. What I mean is; you don’t get those butterflies anymore, you don’t wait from the to text you, you don’t blush over the little things. What if nothing like that happens anymore and it just feels like a deep rut. You are with someone who doesn’t give you those feelings but yet, you don’t know if you want to leave them. There are memories deep in you now, memories that you may remember for the rest of your life. And what if that person has become your best friend? What happens now? Is this the end of the road, is this it? It can’t be, it just can’t be. You don’t want to hurt them, you don’t want to let go but sometimes, it’s better that way. Love is a path in which events in time effect it and twist it around until you don’t even know which was to go. Maybe you’re lost in a sea of tragedy due to the lack of trust and communication you now have towards that one person. And maybe no matter how hard you try, every little thing they do wrong harms you in some way. A never returned call, an unanswered text, a letter left on the table unwritten. The little things that you let slip by, are now busting through the weakened emotions that once had led you to greatness. And, despite this pain, you have no idea why. Why is this happening? Why is it now. This person that I had once opened my heart is unaware that I am closing it back up. And I can’t help but feel terrible and selfish. I can’t help but to feel as if this will harm the person to the point where they may never want to speak to me again. What if I never have this feeling again? What is going to happen? How can this be? This feeling that I felt, I can feel no more.

March 8, 2013: Where I have been

My lack of communication is indeed something I did not intend to happen but life has it’s different plans. I have been busy with school work and a social life. Apart from that, I have been getting into college visits and everything good like that! I have only been to one; SUNY Fredonia. And let me say that it is a quite promising school and probably my number one choice right now. But this weekend there is a big college convention thing near where I life that I’ll be attending, so that should help with my choices. I have switched majors now due to the fact that maybe chemistry isn’t my strongest subject. Math has never been and I know chem involves a LOT of math. But I have gone back to my plan before, which was Geology. I did amazing my Earth Science year as a Freshman but I never planned that I would be going into it. Actually, Freshman year I had planned to go to college for the arts and maybe even lazied on many of my core classes that I shouldn’t of. But, there’s no fixing that mess,  just have to try to do better now.

Apart from colleges,  have been focused on the offline life that I am forced to endure. I have been taking major part in my school’s Gay-Straight Alliance and the local college’s as well. As treasurer of the High School one, I feel as if t is one of my biggest priorities. It is fun! I have met so many new people and more people  would like to know. Being an active LGBTQ student is what I intend to be now. No, I have not completely outed myself yet, but I plan to in the future once I feel more comfortable.

Speaking of sexual preferences; I have been asked out/confessed to by some guys that I barely know? I don’t know how to respond do to the fact that I am not comfortable giving away my S.O. but I just feel bad saying “No, it’s complicated. I’m sorry.” I can’t help being gay? I mean, it’s not a choice! I respect the guys that go along with it and and understand. I have really only told okne of them  was gay because we are good friends, and he is okay with it but I cannot help but have the feeling that I have to change to make him happy. It’s a complicated thing I guess. My feelings, I mean. But after everything has happened, I’m still a big gay.

Feb. 10, 2013: Excited!

Valentine’s Day is only 4 days away and I must say that I am excited! It’s not the fact that I have a lover this year, but I just love passing out cards and candy to all of my dear friends. I always get “semi-cheesey” ones, so this year I got Hello Kitty. And I have plenty of people to pass them out too, which is extra awesome! I love all of my friends very much and I’m so lucky to have them, so I wish to show them. I know, that does sound rather cliche, but I am really grateful for my friends in more ways than one. Many old ones have been there for me and many new ones have brought me joy. I simply cannot pass and opportunity to show them I care! I’m sorry, I’m just so ecstatic!!!!

Apart from friend-love, my girlfriend Sadie and I will be enjoying Valentine’s day in our own special way. I have yet to thing of a special thing to do for her, but I really want it to be amazing. Something she simply will not forget quickly, or hopefully ever. She’s brought me so much joy and happiness, a simple “I love you” will not work. There are just so many choices and ideas! I just need time to think, I guess. It will come to me eventually. I just wish I could send her a physical gift. For example, a cute little necklace or you know, something all romance-y and such!

In conclusion, I’m just super excited for Valentine’s day this year! Last year didn’t go so well, I guess. I planned to tell this girl I liked her though a big V-Day gift but as it turned out, she was in a relationship that had just started the week before. My luck, of course. But it turned out okay in the end because I still proceeded to give her the gift. But this year will be different now that I do have my own lover! And I can’t wait to actually spend a Valentine’s Day together!

Feb 6, 2013: Long Distance

You know, I never thought I’d be in a long distance relationship because I know they’re hard to maintain. But sometimes you just can’t help yourself. It’s as if you and the other person were made perfectly for each other but the distance tears you apart bit by bit. I don’t want to leave her, no, that’s the last thing I ever want. She brings me so much happiness and joy! But it’s when that happiness and joy becomes distant and you can’t tell whether you want to go on or not. It’s not them, it’s the miles in between.

Feb 4, 2013: Stuck

I have seem to find myself in a rut of what I want my future to be. Chemistry has been the main plan for a while now but I have found myself steering in the other direction for business and/or tourism. Both are amazing indeed. I do love traveling and I love science. It’s just so hard to chose! This one choice will determine what I do with the rest of my life. It’s more stressful than I thought, actually. I just need time to think, I guess. I just need something to happen. I need a sign.